Post by Neko_LG on Mar 18, 2008 13:59:39 GMT -5
okay i'm making this thread so i can let you guys know when i've writtn new chapters. for those who have read the story so far on the TAS site, please forget what i wrote 'cos i'm starting over again.
Search for Paradise, Book one: The Beginning
Chapter 1
Places. Names. Objects. My head fills with these things as I try to remember…remember what? Sweat drips from my brow. Suddenly, darkness. Everywhere. Filling my vision. My entire being. I hear a voice from not too far off. “Erika?” It was a man. A whisper. A question. “Who’s there?” I asked them. Still, darkness. “Clueless as usual, eh, Erika?” The man said playfully. I moved my head this way and that, looking for some source of light. “How do you know my name!?” I shouted to the darkness. “Don’t you recognise me?” as the other person said this, a light appeared behind them and I saw a silhouette standing tall. The person threw back their head and laughed, mocking me. As the light stretched out I knew I was about to see his face…
My eyes flickered open, taking in the new day. “That dream…again” I whispered to myself. I looked all around my apartment room. “Urgh! I hate this!” My door opened and my roommate walked in. Ren Nightingale walked across the floor to my bed and flopped down onto the end of it. “What’s up, ‘Rika?” she said using her annoying nickname. “Nothing…I had that dream again though.” Ren almost dropped the piece of toast she had in her hand. “Did you see his face this time?” She was obsessed with the man in my dreams. Or rather, nightmares. “No, I didn’t. You have a weird taste in men, Renny.” I sighed. Ren stared at me, gaping. “Well?” I asked. “Are you getting ready for work? Or are you going to fake sick and make me bring Joey up here?” Ren and I lived in a giant compound in Canada; we worked in the compound as part of the crew of the space ship that was housed there. Joey was Ren’s main love interest. At the mention of his name, Ren walked out as she left I stood up; walking towards my wardrobe I picked out my work clothes and headed for the bathroom.
An hour later Ren and I made our way down to the docking bay. A gigantic black ship was placed in the middle of it all. A man with black hair and piercing, stormy grey eyes stood there next to a taller, more muscular man with golden eyes and silvery-white hair. The first man was Joey, the navigator, and the second was Exael, the weapons specialist. They waved as they saw us walk through the doors. The four of us had worked together since we were in our early teens. Nothing has really changed since then. Joey is still a joker; Ren is still serious about going out with him. I’m still trying to break up silly quibbling, but Exael has changed. When I first met the younger version of my friend he was unemotional and hardened, he had grow up as a kind of monk, learning how to be free of emotion whilst also learning to transform into a wolf. Nowadays he was warm and friendly, not bothering to keep his feelings hidden, he was my best friend next to Ren. I looked over to my friends, then behind them at the large black ship. My ship. “Good morning Captain Summers!” Joey said in an army salute.
“Whatever, Joey.” I said sleepily.
“Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Did Erika have a bad dream?” he laughed. I glared over at my crew-mate.
“Ren? Did you tell anyone anything?” I asked referring to my recurring nightmares. Renny just looked at the floor, innocently. “Urgh! Never mind. Let’s get to work; my Grandpa wants to run a simulation test again. Hopefully this time our navigator won’t start making chicken noises again.” I said glaring at Joey once again. He simply smiled back, as I shook my head.
I sat in my chair on the bridge of the ship, looking at the screen as the computer spoke to me. “Life support systems are failing. Please evacuate the ship Captain Summers.” Nom said in her clear voice. “Not on your hard drive, Nom!” I shouted pressing a few buttons. “Captain Summers I do advise that you vacate the ship.” I continued pressing the buttons frantically, typing some code into the computer. “Vacate to where? If this was really happening then we’d be in outer space. Okay, shut off the air ducts for twenty seconds and then open them up.” I said, regaining calmness and sitting back in my chair. Twenty seconds later the air ducts were open again and the life support systems were back online. My grandfather, the man in charge of the project, was not happy. “Erika! Stop looking so smug and get to the control room, right now!” I gaped; I had gotten everything back online hadn’t I? I had completed the test, hadn’t I? As I walked toward the control room I wondered what I had done wrong. “Why the hell didn’t you evacuate the ship!?” My grandfather screamed at me. He was slightly shorter than I was but he made up for his size in his attitude. “The simulation is supposedly meant to teach you how to deal with a crisis, whilst you are in outer space!” I said back, shouting the last part. “Where would I evacuate to!?” Grandpa glared at me. “Oh, I don’t know…the escape pods!” He shouted. Isn’t it lovely when you have a conversation with your last living relative? Not. “What, so I can live in a cramped space with four other people and barely enough food for a mouse!?” I screamed, towering over him. “If you don’t want to live in these conditions, then leave!” I stormed out of the room when he said this. Running past the crew, sprinted up the stairs and opened the door to the roof of the compound. Looking around I saw a folded chair, flask, pillow and blanket, this was my sanctuary. When I first came to work in the compound at the age of thirteen I had a fight with my grandfather, the first place I had run to was the roof. As far as I knew no-one else went up there, so I usually went up to cool off. Even when I wasn’t angry I would just go up to relax or watch the sunset, Ren always asked me where I had been when I came back. “Paradise.” I would say, simply. I left the chair folded and sat on the very edge of the roof, staring out at the horizon and seeing the blood red sky as the sun began to set. “Had a rough day, captain?” Said a deep voice from behind me.
please comment on this and tell me what you think and how i could improve on it.
Search for Paradise, Book one: The Beginning
Chapter 1
Places. Names. Objects. My head fills with these things as I try to remember…remember what? Sweat drips from my brow. Suddenly, darkness. Everywhere. Filling my vision. My entire being. I hear a voice from not too far off. “Erika?” It was a man. A whisper. A question. “Who’s there?” I asked them. Still, darkness. “Clueless as usual, eh, Erika?” The man said playfully. I moved my head this way and that, looking for some source of light. “How do you know my name!?” I shouted to the darkness. “Don’t you recognise me?” as the other person said this, a light appeared behind them and I saw a silhouette standing tall. The person threw back their head and laughed, mocking me. As the light stretched out I knew I was about to see his face…
My eyes flickered open, taking in the new day. “That dream…again” I whispered to myself. I looked all around my apartment room. “Urgh! I hate this!” My door opened and my roommate walked in. Ren Nightingale walked across the floor to my bed and flopped down onto the end of it. “What’s up, ‘Rika?” she said using her annoying nickname. “Nothing…I had that dream again though.” Ren almost dropped the piece of toast she had in her hand. “Did you see his face this time?” She was obsessed with the man in my dreams. Or rather, nightmares. “No, I didn’t. You have a weird taste in men, Renny.” I sighed. Ren stared at me, gaping. “Well?” I asked. “Are you getting ready for work? Or are you going to fake sick and make me bring Joey up here?” Ren and I lived in a giant compound in Canada; we worked in the compound as part of the crew of the space ship that was housed there. Joey was Ren’s main love interest. At the mention of his name, Ren walked out as she left I stood up; walking towards my wardrobe I picked out my work clothes and headed for the bathroom.
An hour later Ren and I made our way down to the docking bay. A gigantic black ship was placed in the middle of it all. A man with black hair and piercing, stormy grey eyes stood there next to a taller, more muscular man with golden eyes and silvery-white hair. The first man was Joey, the navigator, and the second was Exael, the weapons specialist. They waved as they saw us walk through the doors. The four of us had worked together since we were in our early teens. Nothing has really changed since then. Joey is still a joker; Ren is still serious about going out with him. I’m still trying to break up silly quibbling, but Exael has changed. When I first met the younger version of my friend he was unemotional and hardened, he had grow up as a kind of monk, learning how to be free of emotion whilst also learning to transform into a wolf. Nowadays he was warm and friendly, not bothering to keep his feelings hidden, he was my best friend next to Ren. I looked over to my friends, then behind them at the large black ship. My ship. “Good morning Captain Summers!” Joey said in an army salute.
“Whatever, Joey.” I said sleepily.
“Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Did Erika have a bad dream?” he laughed. I glared over at my crew-mate.
“Ren? Did you tell anyone anything?” I asked referring to my recurring nightmares. Renny just looked at the floor, innocently. “Urgh! Never mind. Let’s get to work; my Grandpa wants to run a simulation test again. Hopefully this time our navigator won’t start making chicken noises again.” I said glaring at Joey once again. He simply smiled back, as I shook my head.
I sat in my chair on the bridge of the ship, looking at the screen as the computer spoke to me. “Life support systems are failing. Please evacuate the ship Captain Summers.” Nom said in her clear voice. “Not on your hard drive, Nom!” I shouted pressing a few buttons. “Captain Summers I do advise that you vacate the ship.” I continued pressing the buttons frantically, typing some code into the computer. “Vacate to where? If this was really happening then we’d be in outer space. Okay, shut off the air ducts for twenty seconds and then open them up.” I said, regaining calmness and sitting back in my chair. Twenty seconds later the air ducts were open again and the life support systems were back online. My grandfather, the man in charge of the project, was not happy. “Erika! Stop looking so smug and get to the control room, right now!” I gaped; I had gotten everything back online hadn’t I? I had completed the test, hadn’t I? As I walked toward the control room I wondered what I had done wrong. “Why the hell didn’t you evacuate the ship!?” My grandfather screamed at me. He was slightly shorter than I was but he made up for his size in his attitude. “The simulation is supposedly meant to teach you how to deal with a crisis, whilst you are in outer space!” I said back, shouting the last part. “Where would I evacuate to!?” Grandpa glared at me. “Oh, I don’t know…the escape pods!” He shouted. Isn’t it lovely when you have a conversation with your last living relative? Not. “What, so I can live in a cramped space with four other people and barely enough food for a mouse!?” I screamed, towering over him. “If you don’t want to live in these conditions, then leave!” I stormed out of the room when he said this. Running past the crew, sprinted up the stairs and opened the door to the roof of the compound. Looking around I saw a folded chair, flask, pillow and blanket, this was my sanctuary. When I first came to work in the compound at the age of thirteen I had a fight with my grandfather, the first place I had run to was the roof. As far as I knew no-one else went up there, so I usually went up to cool off. Even when I wasn’t angry I would just go up to relax or watch the sunset, Ren always asked me where I had been when I came back. “Paradise.” I would say, simply. I left the chair folded and sat on the very edge of the roof, staring out at the horizon and seeing the blood red sky as the sun began to set. “Had a rough day, captain?” Said a deep voice from behind me.
please comment on this and tell me what you think and how i could improve on it.
